Word Processor

Why I write + A truly great and nostalgically delicious glazed doughnut recipe (with lots of vanilla)

Writing has always been the most effective method of sussing things out for me, nothing else ever comes close to the centering effect of stringing together my thoughts, word by word, until I know what I actually think about something. Until I recognize myself in the moment.

Oh, there I am. 

Some set out to find themselves on the top of a mountain or in fancy spiritual retreats in exotic locations. My cousin takes a vow of silence every now and again, and heads to a monastery in Kentucky to be alone with his thoughts. A dear friend of mine recently invited me to go on a spiritual retreat to Bali with her. For $16,000 per person (airfare not included), we could go find ourselves together. 

There’s something compelling and powerful about the notion of “finding oneself,” in places that look and feel and sound and smell deliciously unfamiliar, nothing like what we know or what we call home. 

But, trying to find ourselves in the unfamiliar makes about as much sense as trying to lose ourselves in our own houses. I think it’s just a way to fool ourselves into believing that we’re accomplishing something, when really we’re just succeeding at getting more and more lost. 

We can’t figuratively find ourselves by trying to literally run away. It’s boring and unsexy but it’s true. Or at least I can’t do that, and I’ve actually tried it. I once eat-pray-loved myself all the way to Samoa. It felt very symbolic and like I was really doing it; I was really going to discover things, have some major epiphanies. There I stood, holding a rum-filled coconut at a bar made from little more than driftwood lovingly referred to as, “the bar at the end of the world,” genuinely thinking I’d done it. I thought I’d be waiting for myself on some faraway atoll in the South Pacific. Okay Lauren, sure. 

We’re so busy trying to see what’s over the rainbow that we fail to notice we’ve got everything we need, and we always have. Our ordinary lives are the stomping grounds for all extraordinary things. We don’t have to leave them, to try and touch truth somewhere else, somewhere brand new. Souls are very well searched at home.

Truth wants to meet us right where we are. 

While it’s nowhere near as shiny or as fun, my best retreats are held in my own mind, and they unfold on a page with nothing more than my shaky thoughts, half-baked ideas, and wobbly opinions just lurching forth as I seek understanding. This is why I write. Tucked inside our own stories, swallowed up and buried by time and all its thievery are all the clues we need. 

For me, a blank page has always held more ground for self discovery than any other place. It’s a barren, harsh environment all its own and it demands a sort of stripped down and focused realness that doesn’t tolerate pretense or bullshit. You can travel to the ends of the earth and make such a production of the thing that you’ve distracted yourself from the actual purpose underlying all that cost and effort. Sure, it’s kind of lovely and it’s fun and there’s something innately satisfying about telling people you’re doing that (yourself included). But it’s a lot of running against the wind if you ask me. 

It could be on a tablet, a desktop computer, or in the Notes app on my phone. It could be on my daughter‘s brightly colored construction paper or on a hundred different Post-it notes. I could do it at my own desk at home. I could do it in a crowded coffee shop. The location doesn’t matter so much - it’s not where I am, but how I am that makes all the difference. Open and hopeful, curious and trying. I am not in Bali. I am not in the South Pacific or on the top of a snow-capped mountain range. I am right here.

I can’t hide here, not really. Even if it isn’t good or worthy of a reader’s eyes; even if it doesn’t make much sense at all. I’m still better for having strung the words together, for trying to process life a little bit in this way.

Words are where my focus goes to be sharpened; where my attention is best paid. Deposits of memory, residues of thoughts not even fully formed. Because absolutely everything means something when you simply make a point to go back and notice.

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Triple Vanilla Glazed Doughnuts

This is a very classic preparation of yeast doughnuts, no real trickery going on here, save for the over-the-top amount of vanilla being added into both the dough and glaze. That part is totally encouraged, but also optional.

INGREDIENTS

2 (.25-ounce) envelopes active dry yeast

1/4 cup lukewarm water (110 degrees F, approx)

1.5 cups lukewarm milk

1/2 cup granulated sugar

1 teaspoon salt

2 eggs

1/3 + 1/3 cup salted butter, at room temperature, divided

1 + 1.5 teaspoons vanilla extract, divided

The seeds from 1 vanilla bean or 1 teaspoon vanilla bean paste (optional)

5 cups all-purpose flour

Vegetable oil for frying (about 1 quart)

2 cups confectioner’s sugar

1/4 cup hot water

DIRECTIONS

1. Sprinkle the yeast over the lukewarm water and allow it to bloom for about five minutes (it will begin to foam up a bit).

2. Combine the bloomed yeast mixture, milk, sugar, salt, eggs, 1/4 cup of the butter, 1 teaspoon of the vanilla extract and the seeds/paste (if using), and 2 cups of the flour together in the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with the hook attachment (or, you can do this with a wooden spoon). Mix at low speed for about a minute.

3. Add the remaining flour about 1 cup at a time until the dough comes together and is just past the point of being too sticky to worth with. Knead for 5 minutes. Place the dough in a greased bowl, cover with a kitchen towel and allow to rise in a warm-ish place for about an hour, or until it has doubled in size.

4. Turn the dough out onto a floured surface and roll to 1/2-inch thickness. Cut with a floured doughnut cutter. Stamp out your doughnuts and doughnut holes with a doughnut cutter (or, any cutting tool you like). Cover them loosely and let your doughnuts proof/rise for another 20 minutes.

5. When you’re ready to fry, heat your oil in a large pot or heavy skillet until it reaches 350 degrees F. Carefully fry the doughnuts until they appear lightly golden around the bottom edges and flip them gently, allowing both sides to get nice and golden (takes less than a minute per side).

6. Drain on a rack and allow them to cool for five minutes before dipping fully into the glaze (see below). Set them back on the wire rack (placed over a tray) so the glaze can set and any excess can drip off.

To make the glaze

1. Melt the remaining 1/3 cup butter in a saucepan over medium heat. Remove from the heat and add the confectioner’s sugar and 1.5 teaspoons of vanilla extract or vanilla bean paste. Stir in the hot water 1 tablespoon at a time until the glaze is drizzably thin but not super watery.